The only thing I can say is that I have had writer’s block. Mostly figuring out if what I write here has value to the folks reading it. Am I just shouting into the void? Do my words offer anything?
I must have decided they do, because here I am. Settling into fall in Boston, traveling with questions everyday, watching as institutions, national and local, fail people. I mean, I admit I want things to burn to the ground, but carefully and with an eye to how we will rebuild. Right now, we are witnessing a chaos that will only reward the wealthy few.
Lately, I have been thinking about force and determination, between pushing and going for it. I can be doggedly persistent in the worst endeavors, telling myself that I must make it work (e.g. last job, dead relationships). Perhaps I thought that I had power to change things at work or make the relationship better, and that’s why I persisted for so long. Then I wave to the goals that I really want to achieve from afar, eventually working hard enough to get a little closer. It it our natural inclination to do what’s bad for us? Fear of success?
I look back in shame at how naive I was.
I look back and wonder how and when my vision became so narrow. Probably through emotion. Probably through investment. When you dig a hole so deep, you can’t walk simply walk away from it, can you?
Another thing is, I want to write dangerous poems. Dangerous poetry to me has to be a risk to the poet. And my earlier poems were safe, because it’s easy to point out the hurt done to me. It’s more difficult to point out my complicity or my vulnerabilities. I’m discovering new ones all the time.
For example, I want you to like me. I want to be seen as the good person, someone you wouldn’t leave. But in that desire to please, hides efforts that hurt my own self esteem. If we argue, I will agree with you. You are probably right anyway. Then later, alone, I will rage. I carry a lot of rage. Rage that could transform if I let it. Instead, I will put that rage into a jar, if it makes you happy.
The opposite of this is aggression, serving only your needs. In the middle, that beautiful middle, is assertiveness. For me, my assertiveness is strongest when I have no emotion invested, but seeing how I care if I hurt the barista’s feelings, those moments are rare.
What are you noticing about yourselves during this time of chaos? How are you moving forward? Are you pushing or going for it? Please let me know.
In other news…
Halloween is coming and I am craving horror movies. I have never seen Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, etc. I watched Scream thru my fingers. Same with The Shining and The Exorcist. I want to terrify myself while also critiquing the tropes. What horror do you recommend?
Recommended: The Dollop Episode 400 – Ronald Reagan. HOOOOLLY MOLY. Everything that is messed up and happening now, got its roots with Reagan.
Upcoming Readings! I’ll be reading in November to support my chapbook, Split Map.
Speaking of which, I have copies of the book in my house, which you can purchase for $10. Email me to order.
I am going to try make these letters a habit, because they do help me feel connected and that’s something we all need right now.
XOX,
Becca
P.S. Welcome new folks! Happy to have brought you here, but you can leave if you so desire. Also, if you liked this, please share with friends.